The dreams of youth, the best and the purest forms of a person’s inner life and where peace is to be found. I recall my childhood dreams and feel peace and a deep inner happiness. Most of the time I cannot put these dreams into words; they are inner desires, feelings and a growing towards happiness and being really free in many ways of healing people. They are the peace I had when reading my Thomas the Tank Engine books. In those books was I entered a life of purpose, travel, a simplicity and world I wanted to live in. In those books people did things for the best, the engines were useful and the scenery clear and free just like being on holiday in the countryside.
Useful; I wanted to be useful and have a place of value in the world like the engines. I wanted people to say I was useful and to want me. I wanted to be useful and be good at something. To be thanked and loved, to have friends and to feel secure in relationships with people. I wanted to have purpose and movement in my life and people watching me go saying I was useful and good. I dreamed of all the things I could be good at. Nothing specific but a common theme was being able to help people connect, light up and find what they were good at. I remember hearing adults saying that they had not achieved what they wanted in life. If only they could have been a……… with more money and they would be happy. I had no idea about jobs careers and qualifications but I did know that people who liked what they did in life were happier than the others. I could not make out the connections and routes people took in life and how I would get to happiness and being useful. It took me until my forties to figure this out. I wanted to be useful and for people to like me.
My young life was filled with disappointment, criticism and being called among other things useless. I had a strong sense that people did not like me and my parents found me confusing, frustrating and a disappointment. I do not recall them expressing confidence in me. They expressed concerns. They pointed out my weakness and what I was always doing wrong. At school the teachers and bullies did the same. As I grew I became more painfully aware of the chasms developing between me and people. This process was beyond my comprehension and control yet to my dismay and sadness, utterly discernable. All I ever wanted was to be useful and for people to smile at me and say they liked me.